


Broken pieces

by Vinushuka



Series: One year with Apocalyptica [3]
Category: Apocalyptica
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 12:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2269857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The preproduction of Apocalyptica's new album was supposed to be hard work and fun. For Perttu it turns out to be tears and heartbreak, when his bandmate and lover Eicca decides to leave him for another guy. When things are really bad, Perttu finds support where he didn't expect to find it. But is that enough to help him make it through this nightmare?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love on an airplane

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say? I hate to break the heart of a gentle and kind person like Perttu, but sometimes you have to destroy before you can build something new. I hope this is worth it.

## Love on an airplane (1)

      “How did Kirsi take our trip to US?” I asked Eicca, who was sitting beside me on a plane to Nashville. We were heading there to make the preproduction of our new album. I knew Eicca’s wife Kirsi had problems to accept all the travelling that was required to make an album and then promote it on tours around the world.

      “Well, actually she seemed to take it very well. When I told her we were going to be away for a week, she just smiled and told that she would spend quality time with Anna while we were away. Has Anna mentioned anything about it to you?" Eicca asked looking puzzled.

      “No, she hasn’t, but she did wonder why Kirsi was so interested in her during our sauna evening.”

      “It’s good that she has found a friend in Anna. I'm relived that I don’t have to worry about her all the time”, Eicca said and laid his hand on my thigh. I felt a familiar tension grow in my body. We were going to have a whole week of quality time. Eicca and I were going to spend the nights together. I just hoped we weren’t too exhausted to make love at least a few times.

      “How is your search for a new home progressing?” Eicca asked and moved his hand slowly up along my thigh.

      “Anna is taking care of the search. We’ll visit the most interesting places after we return home. I think she already has several good candidates.”

      “Are you sure you want to move in with her?” Eicca asked probably concerned about our relationship.

      “Anna knows about us and approves it. You can visit me anytime you want as before”, I reassured Eicca, who had now moved his hand in front of my easy going sweat pants that I had selected for the travel. Before I knew he had pushed his hand into my pants and folded his fingers around my dick. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the touch of his hand although I knew that Mikko was watching us.

      Mikko and I had developed a very special friendship during last summer, when we worked a lot as a team. He hadn’t touched me like Eicca now, but I sensed some kind of tension in our relationship. He was probably interested in me but didn’t want to step on Eicca’s toes.

      “What are you planning to do with it?” I whispered to Eicca, who had now managed to produce a full blown erection in my pants. His hand was making me crazy and I wanted to moan of pleasure but I couldn’t. It was late in the evening and the plane was very quiet. Most of the passengers were dozing and the cabin was only dimly lit. I wriggled on my seat – Eicca had to do something, anything to relieve my throbbing dick. Eicca eyed around the cabin and bowed down to my lap. Jeez, he was going to give me a blow job here on the plane.  I flinched when his lips and tongue started caressing the head of my dick. I pushed my fingers into his silky blond hair and let the unbelievably pleasure spread around my whole body.  His hand had already done an excellent job in exciting me so it didn’t take long for me to explode into his mouth.

      “That was wonderful, thanks”, I whispered to Eicca when I had recovered from his treatment. “It’s my turn when we get to the hotel.”

     “Can’t wait”, he replied in my ear and planted a kiss on my cheek.

       I couldn’t help peeking at Mikko after Eicca had inclined his seat and fallen asleep. Mikko’s face was slightly turned towards us and I saw him wipe his cheeks with his hand. I heard his uneven breathing in the silence of the cabin. The guy was crying. His pain made my relaxed and happy feelings disappear into thin air. Was he crying because Eicca had just made love to me? Mikko hadn’t said or done anything that would have hinted to deeper feelings towards me. He was my friend and bandmate, nothing more.

      Okay, I had noticed how happy he was when we were working together and now and then I had caught him gazing at me with a strange, almost pained look in his eyes. After our concert in Hollola I was so happy and excited that I hugged him in the church vestry. He flinched at my touch and looked confused. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but now I started to wonder what was going on. I would have to confront him at some suitable moment and ask about his feelings. I didn’t want him to be unhappy because of me.


	2. Blisters in my fingers and my heart

## Blisters in my fingers and my heart (2)

      Our long workdays in Nashville didn’t leave much time for private discussions. Mikko was again his normal, happy self and I started to doubt my memories. Maybe I had just dreamt about him crying. I would have dropped the whole idea of talking to him but during our Wednesday session something happened that made me change my mind.

      It was already late afternoon and Eicca, Paavo and Franky had left the studio with our producer to take a break. I stayed with Mikko to help him sort out a problem with his drum set. I was standing very close to him holding together two parts he was supposed to join with screws. My grip slipped and he grabbed the parts with his own hands. While doing so one of his hands ended on top of mine. He froze like a statue but didn’t move his hand. He gazed me with the same pain in his eyes I had seen before. “Sorry, my fingers are so sore that I can’t even hold a spoon in my hand anymore”, I complained but didn’t move my hand either. The situation started to feel awkward.

      Finally he seemed to gain his balance and laughed at my complaint. “Hold on a sec. I’ll let you rest your fingers after I get these fucking screws back in place.” He did that with my help but insisted then to see my fingers. I gave him my hand and he held it gazing at my reddish fingertips. “You may get blisters in your fingers tomorrow”, he warned me and suddenly pressed his soft lips on my fingertips. He had never touched me like that before. The whole gesture was so sensual and full of gentleness that I couldn’t figure out how to respond.

       I didn’t have to, because at that moment the studio door opened and Eicca peeked in. “Are you two coming for a snack? We will have to work late so you’d better eat something now!”

      I forgot the incident for the rest of the day, but the images of Mikko kissing my fingers returned when I was lying alone in our double bed trying to get some sleep. Eicca had vanished somewhere without a word and I was worried. When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt I was Mikko watching Eicca suck my dick in the darkness of the cabin. When I arched my back and shot my load into Eicca’s mouth, an unbearable pain of jealousy filled my mind and tears started flowing down my cheeks although I tried to stop them. I stirred awake sobbing just to notice that I was still alone. Eicca had not yet returned from his adventures.

      Just when I was about to give him a call, I heard the electric lock of our room click and Eicca tiptoed carefully into the room. I pretended to sleep but I was afraid that he could hear the heavy pounding of my heart. Normally he would take me in his arms and fall asleep holding me. He didn’t do that now. He crawled into his side of the bed and fell asleep almost immediately. He was obviously completely exhausted. I lay awake a long time feeling confused and worried. I was sure something was wrong now. I could sense it in Eicca’s behaviour. I would have to find out tomorrow what it was.


	3. Broken pieces

## Broken pieces (3) 

        In the morning I had difficulties waking him up for breakfast. When I shook his shoulder, I noticed a big bluish bruise on the side on his neck. He had been bitten and not by me. When I finally managed to make him wake up, he stalked to the bathroom without saying a word and looking grumpy. I waited for him to put his clothes on so that we could go to breakfast together. He wasn’t very talkative at breakfast either until Franky joined us. He looked tired too, but he was definitely happy. When he fixed his eyes on Eicca, I guessed what was going on. He and Eicca had a crush.

      When Paavo and Mikko joined us the atmosphere was lightened and we ended up in joking and laughing as usual. I complained about the blisters in my fingers. “You were right about the blisters. No cello playing today”, I told Mikko.

     He took my hand into his to check the condition of my fingers. “You’ll have to play with your right hand then”, he mused but kept holding my hand in his.

      “Sure, right hand it is then. Do you have earplugs with you?” I asked.  “Maybe I could sing and Franky could play the cello” I proposed wanting to see how Eicca reacted when I mentioned Franky’s name. Eicca laughed and shot a hungry glance at Franky. It wasn’t breakfast he hungered.

       After the breakfast Mikko grabbed me by the sleeve and wanted to have a word with me in private. We found a sheltered corner with a couch in the hotel lobby and sat there to talk. ”Maybe this is not my business, but I think Eicca and Franky are having an affair”, he told me in a quiet voice looking very uncomfortable. “I saw them together already during our Canada tour. It is starting to look very obvious now, so I thought it would be better to let you know.”

      I put quickly two and two together. “Eicca was out very late last night. Maybe he was with Franky”, I thought aloud.

      “I’m so sorry for you”, Mikko sighed and fell into silence.

      “Thanks for telling me. I appreciate your concern for me”, I thanked Mikko trying to hide my confusion. I just didn’t know what to believe. Suddenly I remembered the question I had wanted ask from Mikko. “When we were on the plane, I think I saw you crying after Eicca had made love to me. Am I right or did I misinterpret what I saw?”

      My question caught Mikko by surprise. He stared at his hands and didn’t say anything. “Please tell me. It is better that I know. I don’t want to hurt you.”

      Mikko frowned and finally looked me in the eye. “You were right, I did cry. It hurt me so much to think that Eicca was deceiving you. You deserve better.”

      I was wordless. Now that Mikko said it out loud again, I started to realize that my relationship with Eicca was really at stake. I had trusted him and loved him all these years. It was impossible to imagine my life without him. When I tried that, the feelings of rejection and despair hit me like a wrecking ball. I grabbed Mikko’s hands to hold on to something while tears started to poor down from my eyes like a waterfall. I had never in my life cried like that.

      Mikko folded his arms around me and tried to comfort me. “Eicca will come to his senses sooner or later. This thing with Franky won’t last.”

      “Perhaps, but how can I trust him anymore?” I sobbed.  Eicca had not only broken my heart, he had also broken the absolute trust I had in him as a lover and my bandmate.

      “I think it’s better that you rest today. You can’t play with those fingers and it’s not wise to confront Eicca and Franky right now”, Mikko proposed. “I can have a word with Eicca before you two meet.” It was easy for me to agree to Mikko’s proposal.  I was too hurt and desperate to do anything rational. I just wanted to sleep and cry alone. “You can stay in my room if you don’t want to face Ecca right now”, Mikko continued and wiped the tears from my face with his hand. “I will find you some hankies to blow your nose.” He walked over to the hotel reception and returned with a package of paper hankies. I dried my face, blew my nose and collected the broken pieces of myself to follow Mikko to his room. I waited in the corridor while Mikko explained to Paavo what had happened. Paavo came and gave me one of his bear-sized hugs and assured that things would eventually turn alright. I wasn’t so sure about that.


	4. On the mend

## On the mend (4)

      When Mikko and Paavo had left to the studio I crawled into Mikko’s bed, put on my headphones and started to listen my favourite classical music from my iPhone. I had thought I could sleep the anxiety away but I couldn’t. Every time I closed my eyes I saw images where Eicca was ignoring me completely. I wasn’t there anymore for him. He wanted someone else.

      Instead of sleeping my thoughts started to revolve around Apocalyptica’s future. The eggshell of our trust had been shattered. The process was irreversible. Even if Eicca changed his mind and returned back to me and even if I forgave him, our relationship would never return to what it was. Somehow I would have to stand more on my own.  I realized that actually I had started to do that already. I was making my own music, performing independently of Apocalyptica and I had Anna. Maybe I was now strong enough to make it. I sat up and headed to the bathroom to take a shower and clear my head. I needed to talk with Anna.

      “What!” I heard Anna’s angry voice at the other end of the line. “I’ll kill him for hurting you.” I had just told her that Eicca had an affair with Franky.

      “Please don’t do that. We need him in Apocalyptica”, I tried to calm her down.

       She laughed at my half-hearted joke. “I didn’t mean that literally. I’m just so pissed off for you…and I love you.” Her voice turned soft when she told me she loved me. “I wish I could be there for you, but I’m stuck here with the house search… Speaking of which, I found a perfect house for us. It’s in Espoo, an old wooden house with two stories and large plot of land. The place is perfect for us and a garden. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

       I could hear how excited she was about it and stated to feel better myself. “That sounds great. When will I see it?”

       “I reserved a viewing for us on next Tuesday. I hope that is okay for you. I didn’t see anything specific in your calendar that day.

      “By the way, don’t mention anything about this to Kirsi, if you see her. It is better that Eicca tells her himself”, I reminded Anna.

      “I’m actually meeting her tonight. She invited me for a dinner at their place. I wonder what she has on her mind this time. But yes, I will keep my mouth shut although it will be difficult.”

      When I had finished my call with Anna, I was sure I could handle the situation like a grown up person. I made Mikko’s bed and headed to my own room to change. I had to face Eicca now when I had the confidence to do it. I took a walk to the studio, which wasn’t far away from our hotel. The weather was sunny and hot as usual. The busy streets teaming with traffic and people convinced me that life would go on even without Eicca as my lover.

      I could see the surprise on Eicca’s face when I turned up in the studio and walked over to Mikko to thank him for borrowing his room to me. I tapped him on the shoulder and returned him his room key. “What can I do? I probably can’t play today, but I can listen fluently”, I asked Eicca, who had now recovered from the surprise and was gazing at me looking thoughtful.

      “Thanks for coming”, he said. “I think we can manage one day without your playing, but we definitely need your ideas and comment to proceed. So let’s get back to work.” The rest of the day was spent rehearsing and testing alternative ways to play our pieces. I tried to concentrate on our music, but now and then the thought of losing Eicca hit me again. The feeling was so painful that I had to close my eyes and squeeze the sides of my chair not to cry out loud. Every time I did that I saw Mikko’s worried eyes on me. When we took a coffee pause, he sat beside me and asked if I was sure I could make it to the evening. I was sure. I had to prove myself I could.


	5. The farewell

## The farewell (5)

       When we finished late in the evening, I was exhausted. On top of it all Eicca wanted to talk with me. I couldn’t refuse although I was too tired to have any sensible discussion and afraid of collapsing again.

       “Mikko obviously has told you about my relationship with Franky. I would have told you tonight myself, but he was faster”, Eicca started the discussion. He was sitting on the side of our double bed and I occupied the only armchair in our room. I tried to stay calm, but I still felt like I was in a trial and about to get a death sentence.

       “I guessed what was going on, when you didn’t come to sleep with me and when I saw you two in the morning. It was written all over your faces…and on your neck.”

      Eicca touched the blue bruise on his neck and lowered his eyes. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you, but it just happened. I couldn’t help it. I thought that you were happy with Anna and didn’t need me anymore… I know it’s a lame excuse now that I say it out loud. Maybe I just needed something else.”

     “What do you want me to say?” I asked starting to feel angry. “Do you expect me to approve that you fuck Franky when he’s around and me when he isn’t? Or are you quitting this altogether? Never again Perttu’s ass for you. Is that it?” I finished almost shouting at him

      “When you put it like that, I think it’s the latter alternative: never again…”

       I felt my whole body turn to ice when I heard his last words. “I think it’s better that you move your things to Franky’s room then”, I said the ice spreading into my voice. Eicca nodded and started to collect his belongings into his suitcase. I stared at him feeling numb. I had never thought that our relationship would end like this, in a hotel room in Nashville just when we all felt that Apocalyptica was at its peak performance and we were about to conquer the whole world with our cellos.

      When Eicca left and closed the door behind him, I just sat there. I couldn’t do anything, not even cry. It took some time for me to realize that somebody was knocking at the door. “It’s Mikko, please open up!” I collected my last strength and stalked to the door to open it. “I thought you needed a friend”, Mikko said grabbed me in his arms. I’m glad he did because my head was swimming and I felt the last remains of my strength draining out of my limbs. “Please, let me help you”, Mikko asked and half carried me to my bed.

       I must have passed out immediately because when I woke up in the middle of the night, I was still fully dressed and Mikko was sleeping beside me his arm folded around me. I needed to go to the toilet so I moved his arm carefully and tiptoed to the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror looked awful. My hair was all in tangles and I had dark shadows under my swollen eyes.

      I undressed and crawled back to bed beside Mikko. He stirred awake and gave me a worried look. “Are you okay? Do you want me to stay with you the rest of the night?”

     “Yes please, if you want to”, I whispered hoping that he would stay. He did. When Mikko had removed his clothes and folded them on the chair, I crawled into his warm lap to feel safe. I fell asleep listening to the steady beat of his heart.

       Waking up to a new day after your long term friend and lover has left you for another guy, wasn’t easy. First I thought I had just had an exceptionally realistic nightmare, but when I opened my eyes and saw Mikko sleeping beside me, I realized that everything was true, that Eicca had said his goodbyes and wasn’t there for me anymore. I hadn’t cried last night when he packed his things and left, but now the pain hit me so hard that I just couldn’t help it.

      I buried my eyes under my arm trying to prevent tears from coming but they just flowed freely down my cheeks wetting my pillow. “Please don’t cry. You can make it without him”, I heard Mikko’s voice and felt his hand wiping the tears away.

     “I know that, but it hurts too much to think about it.”

      Maybe you could write a song about it to force the sorrow out of your system”, Mikko proposed. The thought of composing something now felt impossible but maybe I could do it later when the chaos in my head had subsided and I could see things clearly.  Anyways thinking ahead was just what I needed. Now I would have to figure out how to make it through this day. I had Mikko and Anna to help me so maybe the future wasn’t that bleak after all.


End file.
